


When The Snow Falls

by Nicki_nick05



Series: When The Snow Falls - Bucky Barnes [1]
Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Captain America (Movies), MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Assassins & Hitmen, Attempted Sexual Assault, Bucky Barnes Feels, Character Death, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Hallucinations, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Mental Breakdown, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Romance, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Bucky Barnes/Reader, Trauma, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:46:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29822370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicki_nick05/pseuds/Nicki_nick05
Summary: 0921, an assassin trained under H.Y.D.R.A is sent on a mission to kill the Winter Soldier, a fugitive of H.Y.D.R.A. being an experienced assassin/mercenary, this seems like a fairly simple task - kill the deserter and anyone who gets in her way.But what happens when she's instead caught by the Avengers and forced to remember things about her long-lost past? Things she hadn't known she'd forgotten?
Relationships: Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton/Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov/Sam Wilson/Original Female Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Series: When The Snow Falls - Bucky Barnes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2192295
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47





	1. Marching Against The Tide

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains graphic depictions of torture, blood, gore, assault, violence and much more! Viewer discretion is HIGHLY advised!

My mission was cut-and-dry, find the Soldier that deserted H.Y.D.R.A, and kill him. Leave no survivors.

Even then, make it as painful as I could.

The roar of my Black Harley echoed in the empty street, my eyes stayed narrowed, nothing crossing my mind aside from the mission at hand, kill. Kill until the night returns to its previous tranquil state. Kill until the pounding in my head stops and I can head back to base knowing I’ve pleased my Commander. My Master.

The GPS in front of me began beeping, I glanced at the screen through my mask and saw it was time to ditch my bike. I skidded off to the side of the highway and left it inside the nearest ditch. I turned and began my long walk to my destination. Hiding in the shadows and concealing the various weapons I’d use to massacre the Avengers.

~~~

_ “Soldier, I trust you understand the mission?” My Master, Commander Zel, asked through the bullet-proof glass. I nodded, bowing my head as he stood across from me with his arms behind his back. He was the one person I was scared of, the only thing I was scared of.  _

_ “Yes, Commander,” I replied, relaying the information over and over in my head like a broken record. ‘Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill…’ _

_ “-And you understand not to waste time?” I nodded once more. “Good.” His monotone voice echoed in my room, my chamber, my holding cell. My dungeon, filled with chains and memories that are too faded to try and recall. My dungeon, filled with empty nights of trying to remember who I was before H.Y.D.R.A. If I  _ **_was_ ** _ someone, that is. _

_ As he turned to walk away, he stopped and looked back at me, taking in his beautiful creation, a broken Soldier chained to a brick wall. His greyed hair caught the light leaking in from outside the doors. _

_ “But for good measure, we’ll have you wiped...twice.”. My eyes widened, I looked up at him as he smirked and exited through the lone guarded exit. Fear arose from my core and plagued my vision.  _

_ “No, no please!-” I cried after my Commander as the cell doors closed. The heavy metal chain around my neck rattled and strained as I launched myself against the bars. Reaching out for Zel who’d already left. Leaving me, once again, alone in the dark. _

_ ~~~ _

I felt for the two Glock-18s at my waist, making sure I wasn’t caught off-guard in the tower. That was the worst possible outcome, but with my history in mercenary assignments, I’ll never be caught off-guard. My boots sunk deep into the snow that blanketed the ground, the cold crisp air bit at my cheeks. I trudged through the blizzard that surrounded me, trying to push me farther away from the Avengers, from the deserter that left H.Y.D.R.A practically defenceless. With you’re with H.Y.D.R.A, you don’t leave, you can’t leave. Any chance you have of leaving is slim to none. But even then, why would you want to leave?

The wind howled in my ears, the sounds of raccoons digging through dumpsters vibrated in alleys as I passed them. Homeless men and women littered the snowy ground, shivering through the dead of winter. I would have hidden from them, but who’d believe them if they told anyone about me? Who could they tell?

I felt my muscles tense as the bright lights from the Avengers tower lit the road ahead, I was close. Close enough I could smell that fucking deserter. Storm's coming, worse than this one. Bucky Barnes…

Be ready.


	2. Pet Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 looks back on her training days with her Commander

There are holes in my memory. Holes weaving through brief moments in time that feel important but aren’t recognizable… and my head hurts… all the time…

~~~

_ ‘ Sleep is an option, 0921” Commander Zel reminded me, referring to me by my code, my name, the only one I can remember lately. _

_ “N-no” I pushed through the fiery pain shooting through my body as I was repeatedly kicked and punched and slapped by another masked Soldier. Sweat dripped down my neck and armpits and pooled around my feet. The chains binding me to the wall felt like the only thing keeping me upright. _

_ “There’s no shame, 0921… you can sleep” Zel repeated, circling me and assessing the other Soldiers’ work.  _

_ ‘Liar’ I thought, wincing once more as the man in combat uniform delivered another blow to my core. Sleep wasn’t an option, it never will be, either I stay up and take it or join the weaker links in the dirt. Alone, and without command. _

_ The dim flickering lights burned my eyes as I lay my head back against the concrete wall, the punches hurt less and less the more I was told to do this exercise. ‘It builds character, resilience, and fear. The one thing every good Soldier needs when looking at the person that gives them food and a bed to sleep on’ My Master would say, tilting my head up to look at him in his black eyes, overcome with power. _

_ “Enough.” Zel barked, immediately the Soldier stopped and stepped back, his boots splashing in small puddles as he left me alone for the first time in hours. I smiled and caught my breath, allowing my lungs to inflate and deflate to their full capacity, but immediately regretting it as the once numb pain in my abdomen attacked me all at once. _

_ I swung my head forward, gasping for air as the knives of pain sliced at my insides. I bellowed out and rattled my chains, flexing my core and relaxing, again and again, allowing the seemingly impossible amount of pain to dull on its own. _

_ As I relaxed my eyes, I saw the familiar men’s black dress shoes standing in front of me. Nervously, I lifted my head, for once I was scared. Scared of the unknown. _

_ I watched as his face went from nonchalant to angry to furious, the sting of a slap sent my head to the side. I bowed my head, vibrating in place as he grabbed my chin and forcefully had me look at him. I froze, unsure of what would happen next.  _

_ “Why do you  **insist** on disappointing me, pet?” He questioned, his voice low and soothing. Like honey laced with acid. I tried to shake my head but his grip on my jaw only tightened, squeezing my teeth. I groaned and pulled at my right-hands chain. _

_ “-Because that was terrible” He scolded, “-You say you’re a great Soldier? An assassin? You’re nothing but a trembling puppy!” He spat, launching my chin to the side. I caught myself and looked up at him, confused and inexplicably saddened. _

_ “-Do you honestly believe you’d be anything without me?!”. _

**_‘No, no I don’t’._ **

~~~

The tower stood like a giant, looking over Manhattan like its protector. Disgusting. How are they any better than H.Y.D.R.A? At least we want to maintain peace, the Avengers only cause destruction and misery.

My mask kept my mouth warm in the crisp, dense, and freezing altitude. The wind screamed in my ears, urging me upwards to the penthouse.

Once I reached the top I grabbed the railing, kicked off the side of the building and swung myself over. I landed crouching, hushing my boots slapping the metal tiles.

I immediately heard them, the Avengers, laughing inside. I kept close to the ground and tried my best to drown them out. I hid behind the wall, cursing the 15-foot tall glass windows lining the penthouse. No matter, I’m a goddamn Soldier, I’ll make this work.

~~~

_ “Good girl, 0921, a Soldier leaves no trace” Master tucked my hair behind my ear, using his index finger to tilt my chin up. When he was gentle with me, I felt so protected, so warm. I needed him, I don’t think I’d survive without him. _

_ He bent down and whispered in my ear, slipping an arm around my waist and pulling me close. _

_ “Now be a good pup and fetch me his large intestine”. He stood up and nodded, I smiled back and turned around. Watching as the man scampering on the ground stares up at me in horror. A little mouse, that’s all he is. I clenched my jaw and shivered as the warmth left my body. I clutched my knife and got hold of the man’s neck, immediately squeezing his windpipe to the size of a dime.  _

_ “H-help” He squeaked, his eyes widened and pleading with mine as I saw the life leave him. I squeezed until he stopped struggling. Until I could feel his pulse stop through my gloves. Then I laid him out and plunged my blade into his guts, feeling accomplished and almost orgasmic as his crimson blood spurted out. _

_ ~~~ _

“-See, Steve, that’s your problem! You’re the smartest guy I know but you hate old literature? That’s fucked, man” A man pointed out, I couldn’t recognize his voice, but I could tell he was close. I stopped in my tracks and scurried back when I saw a hand swing into view. A metal hand.

Barnes.

I had to restrain myself from attacking right then. Breaking the glass and throwing him off of the side of the building. I couldn’t, I had to wait. He’s a deserter, but he was the Winter Soldier, coined the deadliest assassin in H.Y.D.R.A. Of course, that was before I became known.

I looked around for an easy way in when I saw smoke coming from the roof. 

‘Up and in, 0921’ I told myself. I quickly began climbing once more, eager to begin the massacre. When I nearly reached the top I peered over the side and saw a large chimney hole, smoking, they had a fire going.

I debated tossing a small smoke bomb down but I wasn’t sure it would put out the fire, or just cause me to get trapped on top of the building. I swung over the side and waltzed over to the chimney. I glanced downward and sure enough, they had the fire going. I thought for a moment and realized my best bet was to wait until they went to bed for the night and kill them in their sleep.

Minimize the likelihood of catching them all together, maximize my chances of getting out of this with a finished mission.

God, I hate waiting…


	3. Call It Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 battles with Bucky Barnes and another unexpected challenger - a teenage boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know if you guys are liking this fic! A reminder; this is going to be a slow-burn, meaning the romance and such won't come until much later. I know it may look like I'm purposefully trying to drag it out and milk the chapters, but I assure you I'm just trying to focus more on 0921 and her experiences. I'm trying to make her more three-dimensional than a love-interest. I hate those fics that portray y/n or an OC lead female character as nothing more than an emotional bitch with zero backstories. We deserve to be more than a rug for men to walk all over. We're badass bitches and it's time we start acting like it!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy! This is a long one!

I stayed by the chimney and absorbed the heat from the fire. I knew the lights went out, they did so a while ago, but the fire stayed burning for a couple of hours since I got up here. My shoulders ached, and my toes felt like they'd fall off the second I began walking. I hate the cold, I hate the snow. I don't know when I started, but whenever I think of snow I think of loss, I think of sadness. Forget Christmas, the carols, the presents - winter brought cold-hearted people and made them cold at the surface.

'Stay awake,' I told myself, 'sleep and you die out here'.

_ "Hey, listen, we're almost there. Please stay awake a little longer" _ . A voice said, I looked around into the blizzard, nothing but darkness and mounds of snow. 

"Shut up," I told myself, rather, whoever said that. I can't do this right now, I can't lose it. Zel ingrained that into me a while ago. Years or months I can't remember.

Time is a weird thing, I can't seem to keep track of it… I lose myself in my head. Jumping back and forth in my memory, like finding torn puzzle pieces scattered around the floor. No matter how many I find, they just don't seem to fit…

~~~

_ I remember… screaming. Metal… and screaming. I remember a voice, or rather, a feeling, pulling me. _

_ "Soldier, focus," Someone said. I wish I could lift my head… maybe speak. _

_ "Hunnn Ggghhh" I slurred, feeling my saliva drip down my chin and onto the already damp floor. Was that my pee? Impossible, they hadn't fed me in days. What's happening... _

_ "She's out of it, sir" A man's voice informed. I wanted to look up, or wipe my chin, or respond. My head was pounding, it felt like a thousand hot knives were stabbing me in my temples. _

_ "It's her first time, she’s being dramatic,” The man said, “sit her up" He demanded. Suddenly, a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders and threw me against the back of the chair, my head flew back and slammed against the metal; sending waves of hurt down my spine. _

_ "0921! At attention!" I was told, or, scolded by the man in a suit. "Hnnnngh" I mumbled, feeling the pain shoot up as he yelled. The doctor held my eyelids open until I held them open myself. “0921, where are you?” The man asked, I stared at him, blinking the pain away. “I… I’m… at the  _ H.Y.D.R.A base…” I answered, recognizing the dull lighting and machines surrounding me.

_ "She's wiped, sir" The doctor reported. _

_ Wiped? _

_ What the hell did they do to me… _

~~~

I was woken up by the sound of shattering glass. My eyes opened and I realized the small bright glare of the fire had gone out.

"Shhhh….it" A woman hissed, followed by incoherent mumbling below. She sounded intoxicated, perfect.

I got up to my feet and shook off the snow from my shoulders. I took my glove off and felt over the chimney for heat. Nothing. Immediately I swung my legs over and felt for the brick walls my shoes could grip onto. Once I was steady, I began shimmying down the dirty shaft, listening closely for any other sudden sounds.

"Fuck… Steve's gonna be mad" the woman slurred, I halted when I heard the clipping of high heels and the gentle swooshing of a broom against the floor. My arms ached as I pushed my palms against the brick walls, keeping myself from falling at least 15 feet.

Once she cleaned her mess, I heard her heels clipping on the floor, further and further until it was dead silent. The only sound that could be heard was the hollow howling of the wind. Even then, the storm hushed its screams.

I grunted softly as I began lowering myself, eventually landing on warm, rotted logs that crumbled when I landed.

The fireplace was sealed with an iron gate, I pushed it aside and winced as a small squeak escaped it and echoed low in the large penthouse. Ducking, I entered the living area, taking in the expensive furniture and pricey wine bottles left on coffee tables. 

The warmth of the room immediately heated my fingertips. I stretched out, getting ready to get my job done.

I looked around and saw a set of stairs leading to the second floor. I glided my way to the bottom and looked up into the darkness, narrowing my eyes before I took my first step.

My boots thumped softly against the glass steps, one by one, I reached the top. Making my way to the first door I saw.

The sound of light snoring steered me closer to the closed door, I looked around the hallway making sure I wasn’t being watched. My hand reached out to the doorknob, hovering over it for a moment before grabbing it and turning it slowly. The door slid open with ease, I looked inside to find an occupied bed. A young man laid on his back, clutching onto a pillow.

I stepped inside, wary of my weight against the hardwood floor.

The man, the boy, wasn’t who I was looking for. He looked not younger than 20 and not H.Y.D.R.A material. I looked around the darkroom and noticed vials littering the desk in the corner, the floor, his bed-side table. All of which, I noticed, filled with white webbing of some kind.

‘ _ Jesus, what a perv _ ’ I thought to myself. I left knowing I’d have to come back after finding and killing the deserter. Sad how he went to sleep not knowing it was his last time doing so-

‘ _ Oh well, _ ’ I thought.

Just as I turned around, I felt a shift in the energy. My heart rate spiked and my stomach turned. I quickly shut the door and ducked, striding out of view from anyone and anything. The darkness concealed little, I realized. I tucked my feet in and hunched into the corner of the hallway. Ready to be attacked. Instead, I saw a man walk into view, his arm glimmered in the moonlight shedding in from a nearby window.

Barnes.

He yawned, coming closer yet oblivious of my presence. I slowly pulled the gun from my waist holster. The Soldier turned to go downstairs when I stood up.

“Bucky Barnes?” I called out, immediately, he stopped and turned around, wide-eyed. I swallowed, realizing just how big he was. I stepped out of the shadows, gun pointed to his forehead. He froze in place, looking me over. His eyes stopped at my shoulder, at first I was confused until I realized what he was looking at.

“You’re with H.Y.D.R.A?” He asked, I didn’t answer, focused on getting this part over with. 

He took a step closer, I cocked my gun and stepped closer as well. He held a hand out, almost as if he could relieve this situation.

“And you’re here to kill me?” He questioned, looking almost sorrowful of his fate.  _ As if he didn’t do this to himself. _

I looked into his eyes, dead silent, and noticed something. I don’t know what, but it caught me off-guard. He looked understanding, he knew I was told to do this, and as much as I want to; it wasn’t a choice. 

Just then, his arm flexed and swung at me, I dropped my gun and caught his fist. Almost like a reflex. I squeezed his hand in mine, shaking at his sheer strength. I kicked at his feet, sending him tumbling to the ground. His body slammed onto the floor, his ribs echoing as they received the impact.

I grunted and straddled his waist, yanking my knife from my holster and held it to his throat. Every ounce of understanding had left his eyes, he resembled me while fighting. Cold and focused. “Scream and you bleed out” I hissed, pressing the blade to his windpipe. He grunted, staying still. Just as I was about to cut his throat in two, his metal hand flew up and punched my temple. I gasped, doubling over and cradling my skull, sure of a concussion.

He grabbed my arms and ripped them from my head, laying me out on the floor. I choked as he seized my throat in his palm and squeezed. I kicked at him, missing him completely.

“-Strange how they sent a weak Soldier after me” He whispered, “do you have any idea of my body count?” I squealed, feeling my brain begin to burn, I choked for air, clawing at his hand. He sneered and pulled me upright. My eyes went wide when he lifted me off of the floor. I kicked and punched him in the face. Wincing seeing I wasn’t getting anywhere.

Just as my eyes began closing and the darkness crept into my vision, the boy’s door opened. Barnes dropped me to the floor, I gasped as I hit the ground grabbing at my throat and inhaling the air I was so deprived of.

“Mr. Barnes? Who’s-” The boy began, I ignored him and saw my gun laying not two meters away. Just as the Soldier began he noticed me launch myself to my firearm. My fingers clenched onto the grip, I turned onto my side and aimed at the man as he reached for me. I pulled the trigger and breathed as the *pop* invaded my ears.

I smiled in victory as I saw I shot him in the shoulder. I scrambled up and body-checked Barnes to the ground. He began flailing, trying to get the Glock out of my hands. 

I got up and kept him on the ground by standing on his throat. I put my weight on his body, clenching my jaw as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Just then I realized I forgot something, the kid. I looked over my shoulder as he ran out of view, back into his room.

I panicked and looked down at Barnes, he was unconscious, good, now I have the time to move along and come back after.

I sprinted after the boy, kicking the door open and walking in. I looked around, not finding him anywhere and went further inside.  _ Where the hell is he?  _ I heard shuffling nearby, I walked silently towards the source. Inexplicable anger rising when I still couldn’t find him.

“What are you doing here?” The boy, or… his voice, asked. I looked around. It sounded like he was right beside me. I pointed my gun at my surroundings. I sneered, not seeing anyone. I looked up, gasping as the boy flew down and landed on top of me, knocking me unconscious.

_ Shit. _


	4. The Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 wakes to find herself chained to a chair with the entirety of her mission standing around her.
> 
> 'That's all they are' She reminded herself, 'my mission... my failed mission'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I apoligize for not posting as often as I should, a lot has been going on. I'm studying to get my driver's licence soon so that's taking up a large chunk of my time. Among other things, it's just been very difficult to establish a posting schedule.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

“Good job kid… You got her before she got you…” A man's voice pulled me from my unconscious state. My head rolled back, my vision blurred and focused as I opened my eyes. The brightness of a new day told me I’d failed my mission. ‘ _ Great’  _ I thought, ‘ _ fucked over by a kid on a ceiling _ ’. 

I took in my surroundings, panicking seeing a group, who I suppose were the Avengers, standing around me. I went to stand up and fight when I was met with being chained to a chair. I looked over my chair and yanked at my bindings. I grunted and looked back at the people standing before me. I sneered and rolled my eyes. Ready to be interrogated any second now.

“What’s your name?” One said. A woman with fiery red hair. She stood closest to me, arms crossed over chest. The rest were a bit farther, wary of me. Even while I was chained they must have known I was a threat.  _ Good _ .

I stared into the distance, refusing to make even the smallest movement.

Suddenly, the woman strode towards me and grabbed the collar of my jacket, pulling me towards her. I relaxed my muscles and let myself sink in her grasp. ‘ _ Show no sign of resistance, no emotion, it’ll be over soon’  _ I reminded myself. She tried getting my attention but gave up and let me fall back into my chair. I almost laughed, ‘ _ what a pathetic interrogator’ _ .

“Natasha, leave her,” Another man said, I saw his face and recognized him almost immediately. Steve Rogers. I was shown his face at the base, I was told he’d be a threat to the mission if he got to protect Bucky.

He stepped closer, feeling for whatever reason that he could get information from me as if this has not happened dozens of times. “Phoenix,” He began. I perked up, confused with who he was talking to, “Phoenix, you don’t remember me, do you?”. I tried my hardest to hide my confusion, but I licked my lips and narrowed my eyes. I leaned away from him as he got closer. He bent down, and I saw he looked sad.

I don’t know why. Maybe because I almost killed his friends. Or maybe because he’s a fucking idiot who doesn’t know who he’s talking about.

His hand raised and landed on my shoulder, his hand was warm, sincere… familiar…

~~~

_I received a firm kick to the face, I cried out and landed on my side, holding my cheek as I got yet another kick, this time to my abdomen._

_“S-stop....” I moaned, tears running down my face, “I-I don’t know anything” I pleaded. The man, whoever he was, stood over me now with a gun in his hand pointed right at me. My hands flew up to guard my head._

_“What’s your name?!” The silhouetted man demanded, raising his foot and stomping on my shoulder. I cried out once more and choked out, “I don’t remember! Please-”._

_“Your name is 0921! Do you understand?!” The man screamed, pulling the trigger and releasing a bullet landing inches from my face. I cried out and nodded, shaking in true fear._

_ ~~~ _

“That’s not my name…” I said, now making eye contact with Steve, “I’m 0921.” I stated matter-of-factly and returned to staring in the distance, ignoring the man standing inches from me. I calmed a fit of growing anger inside of me, I don’t know why I was angry, but I knew it would lead to something much worse if I didn’t get it under control.

“Steve, I think we should-” The woman, Natasha I believe, began. Steve whipped around, “No, she’s confused.” He stated. I looked around, not caring for the banter, trying to figure out an escape route. I found it amusing they chained me up in the living area, I figured they’d have me in a secure room with no windows, I guess they were new to this.

My eyes set on the kid in the corner of the room, who I now noticed was a teenager no younger than 16. I readjusted my body in discomfort, clenching and unclenching my fists as I saw he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I licked my teeth and settled, moving on.

“-Guys I don’t think this is the best course of action.” Another man said, I looked over and saw him standing beside Natasha, arms crossed.

“Sam, I don’t know how else to go about this-” Steve explained. Sam laughed and gestured to me. I furrowed my eyebrows. “She’s with H.Y.D.R.A, maybe we should get Bucky to do this”. I inhaled deeply, almost excited to see him, I bit my cheek and suppressed my emotions.

“Cmon, Sam you know that’s dangerous” Steve groaned, massaging the bridge of his nose.

Everyone stayed silent, debating what to do with me. Eventually, Steve threw his hands in the air and walked out of the room. I heard him call for Bucky and walk back in. He kept his eyes trained on me, wary of me. I smirked and waited for the deserter to enter. Steve returned to his place in front of me, tucking his thumbs under his belt.

Before I knew it, Bucky entered, I smiled seeing bruising on his neck. He had on a white shirt and sweats, he wasn’t planning on interrogating a H.Y.D.R.A Soldier today. His bullet wound was bandaged and healing, and if he went through the same serum injections as I did, he's healing quickly.

That’ll be fun.

He strutted my way, hands tucked in his sweatpants. He looked tired, I wonder how long I knocked him out. `The _ great Winter Soldier, taken down by his own’ _ . I tilted my head as I saw the H.Y.D.R.A symbol on his arm, I was surprised he hadn’t gotten it removed. Maybe it’s because he knows he can’t get far enough to do so, ‘ _ good _ ’ I thought  _ ‘he has some sense _ ’. Steve cleared his throat and gripped onto the back of my chair, I groaned at the theatrics and rolled my eyes. Already tired of these people.

“She isn’t talking,” He said.

“Great observational skills…” I stated sarcastically, rolling my neck. I licked my lips, unsure of what I was supposed to do to get out of this. These people weren’t letting me go unless I lied through my teeth, and I knew I couldn’t take these people down on my own, not unless I could get to a gun. Or maybe-

“-She’s with H.Y.D.R.A, she’s trained not to give anything…” Bucky stated, pulling me out of my planning. “-Unless,” he continued, “You can get her to remember,”, there was a sudden shift in the energy of the room. Puzzled, I looked around, my eyes catching Natasha’s as she looked around nervously.

“Remember what?” Peter asked, suddenly interested.

“Life before H.Y.D.R.A, Peter”, Bucky stated, looking directly at me. I couldn’t help it, I burst into laughter, nearly doubling over as I realized these people were crazier than I was. I felt Steve grab the chain holding my hands behind my back and yanked me up-right. I caught my breath and blinked away the tears pricking my vision.

“You think this is funny?” Steve questioned, I shook my head, trying to contain my laughter. 

“No,” I spat out, suddenly amused by the fact that  _ they were all still here when they should have been dead. _ “I think you all are crazy! I should’ve killed you all last night!” I stared at each person in the room, lingering on Barnes. I noticed him cross his arms and I immediately stopped laughing, remembering my objective “-Leave no survivors.”. 

~~~

_ I walked past the guards lining each hall, breath uneasy, heart pounding. I’d failed my mission, they got away and I was almost exposed. I knew I was going to be wiped, or beat, or both. Whichever seems more painful to my Commander. I held my mask in my hands, gripping onto the bloodied fabric for comfort. _

_ The lights flickered as I passed them, the dampened floors spat water as my combat boots carried me to my certain demise. Luckily, I wouldn’t be dragging anything into Zel’s working area and the puddles of water rinsed the dried blood from the soles of my shoes. _

_ As I reached the end of the hallway, I nodded to the guards standing at Zel’s door, who were always ready to snipe any intruder. They stepped out of the way, lowering their arms. I knocked on the door and stood ready to enter when I heard his voice telling me to come in, my hands shook as they reached for the doorknob. _

_ I swallowed my pride and opened the door, slipping inside and closing it behind me. _

_ The sweet sound of Opera played low in Zel’s stereo, he, however, looked anything but sweet. He sat in his chair glaring at me through his glasses, pure anger radiating from his core. _

_ “Mission report” He growled, letting his hand rest on the top of his desk. I nodded, getting in my stance and recalling the occurrences in order. “Commander. Once I arrived at the residence I was ambushed by George Mikillsky’s guard. I shot two in the temples, one in the foot and abdomen. I entered the premises after breaking in and found George hiding in a bunker underneath the stairs. Just as I was about to attack, another concealed guard got me in a choke-hold, I grabbed his arm and flipped him over my shoulder. While that was happening, George had a gun, he almost shot at me before I kicked it out of his palm and swiped his feet out from under him. We seriously underestimated the amount of security he had, Sir, because just then another guard came in and attacked me, grabbing George and taking him away. I tried shooting at them but they were too quick. In the end, Sir, they got away”. I finished, and took another breath, trying to not look as afraid as I was. _

_ My Commander stood up, I noticed him fix his suit as he rounded his desk, making his way over to me. I bowed my head out of remorse, and shame, he stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. “So, what you’re saying is…” He trailed off, “...you failed your mission? Because you, what?” He questioned, I flinched feeling him grab the fabric of my suit and pull me closer. I looked up into his eyes and silently pleaded with him, “I wasn’t… I didn’t do my job” I confessed, swallowing when he let go of me and shoved me back in place. He wiped the corners of his mouth and narrowed his eyes, he looked just about to snap. _

_ “I go easy on you, Soldier, don’t I?” I didn’t answer, keeping my eyes on the floor. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Don’t I?” he asked again, I nodded. “Yes, yes you do Sir”. I wasn’t sure I believed that, but I didn’t want to make this situation worse. I’d already done enough. _

_ “Then, pray tell, why can’t you do one  _ **_ fucking  _ ** _ thing without messing it up?” He spat, pushing me against the wall. He was stronger than some might think. My eyes went wide as I steadied myself, standing upright and pushing myself from the wall. He stepped closer, cornering me. Every bit of light from his eyes had dispersed, he looked ready to kill me. _

_ I knew I could take him on, I knew I was stronger than him, but I didn’t want to hurt him. He was right, I don’t know anything of my past and he’s always been there. He taught me to be a Soldier, he told me he was the only person I could trust. And I believe him, in all of my many years of working with him I don’t think I’ve ever been as close to someone as I am with him. _

_ He stopped in his tracks, glancing down at my waist and back at me. “Soldier…” He began, taking a step back. I looked to where he had and saw I was gripping onto my gun, holster popped and ready to fire. He cleared his throat, “Let go of the gun, 0921, or else.” he threatened. _

_ I did and raised my hand away from my waist. My breath shook, every bit of fear I’d tried to suppress had shown itself when he called for the guards waiting outside. Both of them barged in, frantically, I took a step back, purposefully putting my hand on my gun, ready to shoot. _

_ “I need her wiped, completely,” My Commander stated, I winced and pulled out my gun. The two guards clicked theirs and pointed them at me, I saw the red dots travel from my chest to my forehead. I knew I was outnumbered, I couldn’t get out of this, not alive, anyway. I took a deep breath and lowered my weapon, dropping it to the ground and kicking it away. The two of them lowered their guns and grabbed my shoulders, yanking me towards them. I was spun around and had my hands cuffed behind my back. _

_ I looked at Zel, who was staring back. He looked at me like I look at my assignments before I murder them - shallow eyes, absolutely no emotion. I think that’s what scared me, I wish he’d lash out and hit me, but I know I fucked up. I know I have to suffer the consequences.  _


	5. The Problem With Loyalty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 gets some alone time with her mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand this is a rather short chapter, but I assure everyone reading that there will be longer ones ahead.
> 
> Enjoy!

Everyone except for Bucky left, whoever owns this place called them earlier and said he needed help immediately. Steve asked Bucky to stay back and try to get more information out of me, he hasn’t been successful - obviously - instead we’ve been sitting in silence. Marinating in the situation.

He sat in front of me with his chin in his hand, not taking an eye off of me since they left hours ago. I shifted in discomfort, feeling the ache of the metal chains digging into my skin. I moved a link just enough to scratch at the irritated skin underneath, hissing under my breath at the sting that followed.

“Where’s your base, Phoenix?” He asked for the thousandth time, I ignored him and continued to relieve my skin. He reached over and seized my arm, yanking it towards him. The chair tilted to its two front legs, for a moment my feet touched the ground. “Where’s your base, Phoenix?” He repeated, I rolled my eyes, tired of this game.

The deserter let go of me once he realized he didn’t faze me, it’s strange how after a few years of hiding his Winter Soldier and H.Y.D.R.A instincts dulled themselves. Because, in reality, a true H.Y.D.R.A Soldier would have their victim broken in a matter of minutes. We’re trained to do whatever it takes to finish a mission, no matter how long it takes, no matter what we have to do, we get it done. With this man, this… traitor, he lost that drive, though you can still see it in his eyes. He has the eyes of a Soldier, firm, tempered, and disciplined. How could he lose such an honourable part of himself?

“Why did you leave?” I asked out of sheer curiosity. Barnes scoffed, raking his hand through his hair, he wouldn’t answer but I could tell he wanted to.

“Because,” I began, picking my words carefully and grinning at my attitude, “The way I see it,  _ Soldier _ , you’re a fucking pussy” I spat, rotating my shoulders under my chains. I knew he’d have to give in to his anger soon, everyone has their breaking point, I just had to find out where his was. I thought for a moment and remembered a bit of information I was told about his background.

I leaned forward as far as I could, right until the chains began yanking on my shoulders, cutting at my skin. 

“Psst, big guy” I teased, smirking seeing him avoid my eyes, “What are the  _ words _ ” I hissed. Immediately, he looked uncomfortable, like a dog being pushed into a corner. He licked his top lip and did his best to ignore me.  _ Ignorance isn’t a very good interrogation tactic, Soldier. _ I continued to press him, “C’mon Barnes, we all have ‘em”. That much was true, those words are the reason I’m here and haven’t given up on the mission. I’m glad I have them, I’m honoured to serve H.Y.D.R.A.

~~~

_ The last couple of words became clear as I gained recognition of my surroundings, I didn’t know how I got here, but I’m here for a reason. _

_ “...Liver, cell, attach” My Commander finished, I stood silently in front of him, rolling out my shoulders. Zel closed the book he was reading from and passed it onto a guard right next to him, who took it to its safe. My Commander, my Master, circled me, assessing my physique top to bottom. I shivered when I felt his hand on my lower back. Not sure why he was doing so. I felt the three words crawling up my throat, like a worm digging through dirt, just dying to resurface. They pained me, for whatever reason. _

_ “Ready to comply,” I murmured, feeling my emotions begin to suppress themselves _

_ “0921…” He recited, closing a space between us, “...please tell me once more what your job is exactly.” He asked, toxic waste dripping from his tongue. I nodded, not caring about his wandering hands. “-Sir. Find the Winter Soldier and kill him, along with anyone who gets in my way.” I recited, my voice monotone. _

_ “Good girl,” I almost grimaced, but I soon corrected myself before I could be corrected.  _

_ I drove off into the night, replaying visions of brutally murdering the Avengers, of seeing their blood in puddles sparkling in the moonlight. Of their corpses lying on the floor beneath my feet. And best of all, I thought about the feeling of standing over Bucky Barnes, pleading for his life, before I slit his throat in the name of H.Y.D.R.A. _


	6. Painful Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 is confronted with a memory that nearly changes her outlook on Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad leaving you all with a single short chapter after waiting so patiently.
> 
> Please enjoy!

“C’mon, Buck, tell me…” I coaxed, now in an intense staring contest with the Soldier, whoever broke would be the weak one. I wasn’t planning on earning that title. “Tell. Me.” I pressed, getting agitated at his silence.

I could see in his eyes he was thinking long and hard, he wanted to say something. Maybe scream or lash out, because memories hold power over us. Over people like us. Like those of us who have done terrible things to others in the name of their honour, in the name of love. The number of times I’ve stayed awake at night replaying missions in my mind, it felt like my pride was tinted with shame. I knew I had to do it, I knew on a large scale, I wanted to. Yet, something about a small portion of my missions is too much, the torture, the lives I’ve taken. Hell, I’ve hurt children before. Sometimes it’s too much, sometimes I recognize the fact that maybe I was in the wrong. Maybe I should stand up to my Commander… stand up for myself…

“You don’t remember me, do you?” Bucky questioned, I snapped out of my trance and cleared my throat, suppressing the intrusive thoughts that plagued sight of my goal. I rested my back against the chair, not answering his question.

“You’ve been wiped too many times, Phoenix”, there it is again. I don’t know why he kept referring to me as Phoenix. I licked my teeth, about to correct him when he stood up, pushing his hair to the side. I noticed he was undoubtedly 6ft, give or take an inch. “You don’t remember our mission? The train?” He listed, I bit the inside of my cheek, he must’ve had me confused because I truly had no idea what he was on about. I tucked my chained feet underneath the chair. I smirked, I had no idea what mind tricks he was testing out on me, but they sure as hell weren’t working.

“Phoenix…” He whispered, crouching down to my level, “the train… Steve. I fell and you dove after me…”. His metal arm grazed my thigh, I felt like… I don’t know what I felt. But I knew he wasn’t lying, maybe he told himself this story so many times he believes it? God, he is crazy. His eyes went from neutral to lust, I leaned back creating space between us. I watched warily as his other hand came up and grabbed my cheek, his eyes fluttered closed, his head tilted and -

~~~

_ Bright lights invaded my vision, dozens of beeping monitors over stimulating my ears, sending waves of pain to my brain.  _

**_ I shouldn't remember this. _ **

_ “B-Bucky…” I whispered, my lips felt numb, the taste of blood ran down my throat. I tried feeling around, but my fingertips burned more painful than anything I’ve ever felt. I felt breathless, the trauma of falling still fresh in my lungs. _

**_ Leave this memory, 0921. _ **

_ “BP low… skull fractured, collar bone fractured, left-hand index finger nearly severed…” A voice trailed off, I tried asking for help, maybe even opening my eyes, but my body was not in my control. Without knowing I’d been moving, my body was halted. _

**_ Get out of your head. _ **

_ “0921, my name is Dr. Arnim Zola, you’re in H.Y.D.R.A’s base in New York,” A man, who sounded German, hovered over me. My mouth opened to respond, ask questions, but nothing came out. My chest heaved to get minimal air into my lungs.  _

_ The last things I can remember- _

**_ You don’t remember anything, stop this. _ **

_ -Is a train, and screaming, and falling- _

**_ GET OUT- _ **

~~~

“GET OUT-”.

My eyes were squeezed shut, my breathing felt laboured, sweat dripped down my back dampening my seat. I caught my breath and relaxed my eyes, but as I opened them I saw Barnes on the floor, clutching his face, hands painted with his blood. I felt a surge of pain hit my head, I doubled over.

“Gaah-” I whined, squeezing my eyes shut to dull the pain that seemed to take over my brain. My chains clanked and slapped together as I subconsciously yanked at them.

“Phoenix…” Bucky moaned below me, I shook my head, that name only made the pain worse. “0.9.2.1” I choked out, feeling the pain ease, I opened my eyes and relaxed against the back of the chair. The room felt smaller, narrower, the energy felt hostile and dry. Something like base.

I looked down and saw Bucky get up off of the floor, his blood coated his face and hands. For a moment I felt like I should’ve been worried for him like I should be asking if he was okay. It felt like I did that in a moment in time. He groaned as he stood up, still cupping his nose. He turned to me, eyes fiery and angered.

“I-” I bit my tongue, stopping myself from apologizing for whatever I’d done. I don’t apologize, at least not to men like him. Before he could speak, I heard a ding of an elevator. My attention immediately went to the sound then back to Bucky, who was now pinching his nose and making his way to the source of the sound. I noticed his hand was out towards me, as if saying ‘cool it, everything’s okay’, and I did, I calmed down when I saw him taking care of it.

‘ _ So much for not trusting anyone,’  _ A voice in my head pointed out, I heaved, pissed that they were right. “Shut it” I seethed, thankful they didn’t say anything back.


	7. A New Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 sees a new side of herself and feels something she hadn't felt in decades; remorse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a relatively short chapter, so I'll be posting another one in a couple of hours to make up for it.
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

“Well… what now?” One man said, he wore a suit, his face bandaged and stitched. “-Do we hand her over to the police?” He asked, even with his sunglasses on I could tell he was puzzled.

I had no idea how long I’d been stuck in this chair, certainly hours, a little less than 24. By the looks of it, it’s past 10 pm. I had to find a way out, I had to come up with a plan to finish my mission and get out without getting murdered by any one of these people. I’d been pulling this room apart piece by piece in my head since I first opened my eyes, the only way out is back up the chimney, every other exit is under tight surveillance. But even then, how could I leave without anyone noticing? Better yet, how could I then come back and finish my mission?

“No, Tony…” Another man with glasses and a purple button-up began coming towards me, I watched intently as he observed me. “I think we need to find the base-”, his ridiculous thoughts were interrupted by Bucky, who was now standing in the corner and nursing a bloody nose. “-I tried that, actually, now look where I am”.

“Oh, is that what happened?” Tony, I gathered, asked with smugness under his tongue, Bucky rolled his eyes and looked away. Looking painfully guilty. But, I was… curious, I mean, one second he leans in to kiss me and the next he’s on the floor with blood all over his face. Time ran away from me… again.

“Friday, do me a favour and pull up today’s living room security footage, say… around 9:30 pm…” the others, I noticed, looked uneasy. They too were curious to see what went on in the blank time-period. Instantly, as if they were pulled from mid-air, tiny blue specs formed the footage taken from earlier.

It was the strangest thing, the energy morphed inside of the room, the men and Natasha all looked uncomfortable. As if they already knew what was about to happen, I watched as the footage became clear. I made out the two of us, Bucky and myself. I was chained to the chair and Bucky was sitting in front of me, I saw as the scenes played out as they did in my head; Bucky leans in, his eyes close and… I see my face go blank, frozen as if I’d been dreaming. I see my mouth move, I’d said something, Barnes must’ve felt the discomfort as he pulled away. His hands went to grab my face, and that’s when my mouth opened wider than I’d ever seen a human’s jaw open. Bucky was visibly worried, I almost saw him unchain me from my chair.

But he didn’t.

Instead, I screamed at him to get out, or, was it someone in my head? Instead, as he faced me, I head-butted him harder than I’d done to anyone ever. I saw as he fell to the ground, I saw as the blood splattered everywhere, I saw as he tried to get up. I saw him fall back down I fucking saw-

I saw how that monster inside of me had made a new appearance.


	8. I'm Sorry (Sorry)... Sike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 reflects on a new side of herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> I'm very sorry for not updating, I'm really lazy and I have no excuse for it. So, to make up for it, I'll be posting 3 - yes, 3! - chapters today.
> 
> Enjoy!

“I… Don’t know what to say-” I tried to plead, I tried to look at Bucky, or Steve, or anyone else in the room. But they didn’t look back at me. The blue specs faded into the air, leaving all of us in silence. But really, what could I say? I’m sorry I’m an assassin working for H.Y.D.R.A? I’m sorry my mission got too close? A wave of new anger boiled in my bones, I’m a H.Y.D.R.A agent for God’s sake, and I’m grovelling at these people’s feet?

“Phoenix, or, 0921…” Steve stepped forward, I assume he’s taking on the role of the leader, he seemed less of a threat than before. Even with the hints of a battle still on his suit something about him seemed cozy…

“I wish I could tell you so many things about you, about us, but there’s something wrong with you, you should’ve died a long time ago…” He looked at me like I was a specimen grown in a lab, I was abnormal, and although I had no idea what he was talking about, something about his words made me want to remember. Remember something I wasn’t sure was real in the first place.

“I need you to tell me, Phoenix, please… where is your base?” He spoke so softly, so calming, everything about it drew me in.

“I, um…” I felt lighter as I stared into his eyes, almost forgetting to bite my tongue. Almost. I heard my Commander’s voice in my head, telling me, no, screaming at me to concentrate. 

~~~

_ “What the fuck did I tell you?!” He screamed in my ear, I winced, feeling my eardrums strain. I felt my nerves twitching after being tasered for the nth time, the buzzing in my body matching the buzzing of the lightbulb over my head, the heat from it being too close sent buckets of sweat trailing down my back. _

_ “S-sir…” I breathed, exhausted, I cried out and craned my neck as another tase invaded my ribs and touched every organ in my body. A sob escaped my lips along with saliva as it carried on for longer than the others. Once it stopped I hunched over, pitying myself when I felt the familiar bindings on my wrists. _

_ “-Last chance, Soldier…” I felt his hot breath against my neck, “Either keep your mouth shut, or suffer the consequences.” _

~~~

“Fuck… off” I stared into Steve’s eyes, reminiscing in the electric waves buried into my bones. No man, or memory, or feeling, is more important than H.Y.D.R.A.

“All of you!-” I yelled, making eye contact with every person in the room, including the Traitor standing in the corner, “-Either give up this pathetic act or live your lives under H.Y.D.R.A! Either way, let me out yourselves or not, I’m coming for every one of you!” I screamed, feeling my Commander almost speak through me. Every part of me felt fueled by a fit of unexplained anger, I leaned forward, tugging at my chains, I turned my head and nearly snarled at Barnes.

“Starting with you, Bucky.”.


	9. The Great Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0921 admits to suppressing her memories when she's once again faced with death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

** Don’t… go… to sleep… **

My eyelids felt like a million pounds, every bone in my body called out to me, begging for me to close my eyes. And it was tempting, but I knew I had to escape tonight, I just had to wait for everyone else to sleep. I listened, admittedly half-assed, to the noise upstairs, and kept track of the security cameras. I was under constant surveillance, more than I’d ever witnessed in my years of working for H.Y.D.R.A.

The chains felt like a mockery, a mockery of my working for the feared H.Y.D.R.A, and a mockery of my abilities. Since when does metal stop me? Since when does anything stop me? I opened my eyes wider and clenched my fists, I inhaled a deep breath of the cool air and tore at my restrictions as I exhaled. The burning of metal on my skin made me nearly cry out. But I wasn’t done.

I clenched my jaw and thought about Bucky, of all people I thought about Bucky. The way he thought it was okay to try and kiss me…

I tore my arms once more

The way he then lied about it…

Again.

The way he put me in these things, to begin with…

The metal creaked as the links weakened.

The way he kept calling me that stupid fucking name, how he’s forcing me to remember shit I’m not even sure happened...

One more time.

It’s because of him everything’s happened, H.Y.D.R.A, whatever else I’ve forgotten!-

My body lands on the floor, sending shooting pains throughout my body, I go to push myself when I see the blood coating my wrists, deep gashes spurting blood every which way. I quickly grab both wrists and roll to my side, trying my hardest to lessen the blood loss. I hoisted myself to my knees and rolled out the numbness in my feet. 

I then remembered I had a limited amount of time, I scampered to my feet and ran towards the chimney, but thought twice and ran towards the elevator. My bare feet slapped against the marble floor, smearing my blood everywhere. I nearly took the elevator when I realized again, it wouldn’t work, Tony’s probably locked every exit-

The fire exit.

I looked around frantically, rounding corners, conscious of the minimal noise I was trying to make. This whole floor felt like a maze. I nearly gave up until I saw the glowing exit sign over the door at the end of the hall. I inhaled quickly and sprinted towards it, body checking the bar with all of my strength.

The cold air hit me as my ribs hit the railing keeping me from falling 20+ stories. I looked around for the stairs that would allow me to run down when all I could find was another drop, I glanced over the edge and saw a ladder, metal and ice-y. I looked back at the door and looked down, my wrists ached but the blood flow wasn’t as heavy. I sat down and swung my legs over the side, feeling the howling winter air attack my feet.

I let go of my bloodied arms and let my palms rest against the frozen platform, readying myself for the trip down

‘ _ Just do it _ ’ I told myself, I exhaled a breath I’d been harbouring and turned around so my feet could touch the steps below. My feet burned on contact, I winced and let the other one down.

I lowered myself down the first step, and another, and another until I got a steady pattern going. I gripped metal bars until my knuckles turned white. I assumed I was in the clear until I heard the crashing of the door above being opened abruptly, the rails vibrated. I gasped and hugged the handlebars, feeling the familiar and unwelcome feeling of terror coursing through my veins.

“Phoenix?!” I heard Bucky call above me, I looked up and through the snowstorm, I saw him holding his hand out for me. My lungs felt so weak, and my wrists hurt so bad, I nearly considered going back up.

“Phoenix, grab my hand!” He called out, I shook my head and tried to go down another bar when my palm slipped, sending me nearly plummeting to my ice-y finish. I screamed and grabbed at the bar above me, once again holding on for dear life.

“Phoenix, don’t do this, you’ll die!” He yelled, warning me of the inevitable. I heard him call for Steve, letting him know I’m here. I cursed into the howling of the storm surrounding me, feeling my fingers go numb.

“B-Bucky…” My teeth chattered as I called out for him, I looked up and saw he was reaching even farther down. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what this reminded me of.

“Bucky... I… was on a train…” I thought out loud, admitting to something I knew for quite some time. Just never dared to speak up about it. “I was on a train… with you and Steve, wasn’t I?” I questioned, trying my hardest to speak over the storm. I saw his silhouette get darker as the snow worsened. I had to say this now.

_ But there was so much more I wanted to say, to ask him about. _

“When I get back to base, Bucky, they’ll wipe me… So, I need you to look for me, okay?”. I thought for a moment, bit my lip, and continued.

“I’m here, in New York…I can’t say anything else…” But god I wish I could, “but… please-” I felt cold tears struggling to run down my cheeks before freezing halfway. I look up at him once more, squinting and trying to make out a face, “-Please don’t give up!”.


	10. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now back at the H.Y.D.R.A base in New York, 0921... or, Phoenix - finds herself in a compromising situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting again tomorrow!
> 
> Enjoy!

_ My feet sunk into the powdery show blanketing the ground, though I felt weightless. Step-by-step I walked through the frozen forest, feeling cozy in the chilly atmosphere. My fingers grazed against the tree trunks and tickled against the tiny leaves growing from holes in the bark. I thanked myself for the quiet, I thanked myself for feeling nearly ethereal. _

_ My eyes traced along with the trees that sighed softly in the breeze until they landed on someone. _

_ “Hey, doll…”, Bucky greeted me softly, I saw he had a uniform on, one that reminded me of something. A feeling? An experience? I couldn’t tell. I smiled at the Soldier and ran over to him, ready to be engulfed by his arms. My body hit his chest and I felt his embrace, warm even in this winter wonderland, consume me. I smiled and brought myself closer to his chest. _

_ “I missed you, Phoenix” He hummed against the top of my head, I closed my eyes and relished in this feeling, whatever it was. _

_ “You didn’t give up,” I said, smiling. He laughed and created space between us by nudging my chin upwards, allowing me to look him in the eyes. I saw his smile slowly chip away into a frown. “I… could never give up on you, doll”, I smiled and pulled him back in. _

_ “I know”. _

~~~

I collapsed against the hard metal, wincing as my head smashed against one of the many iron plates. The screaming of the wind against my ears worsened my blood-curdling headache, my feet were numb and burning at the same time. I was going to die, I knew that either I die or I suffer a worse fate. I raised my shaking hand and dropped it on the iron platform, sending an echo into the concealed base, I groaned audibly and raised my hand once more. I grit my teeth and prepare for the impact.

‘ _ This… is gonna hurt _ ’, I agreed with myself for once and slammed my fist against the iron, I choked out a cry as I felt the hot sensation of hypothermia set in. 

~~~

_ “You’re going to die.” Steve pointed out, sitting in front of me in this strange pit of darkness. His eyes were calm, but I knew this was serious. I tilted my head and stared at him, confused. “Why?” I whispered, he leaned forward and reached out for my hand. Warily, I gave it to him. _

_ “Phoenix, your brain’s eating you from the inside out, soon you’ll be nothing” I sat there stunned and stumped, his face showed no emotion. No giveaway that this wasn’t real. Unless… it was? _

_ He dropped my hand and sat back against his chair, one leg crossed over the other, “Not to mention, you’re freezing to death! Honestly, I can’t tell why you haven’t died yet.” He stated matter-of-factly, I stood up, gazing down at the nonexistent floor. He sounded like he was joking as if this was funny. _

_ “I-I was given the serum…” I recalled, feeling my brain turn mushy, I tried to get away, to leave. I wasn’t ready to die, as much as I craved a release I didn’t think death was an option. What I needed was answers, something to fill in the blanks in my memories. I can’t keep doing this… jumping back and forth in time, escaping to wherever this is. _

_ “Do you blame yourself?” A woman’s voice said behind me, I turned around and nearly fell back seeing myself. But not myself, not exactly. She- or, I, wore a uniform foreign to me, I had a red lip with my hair tied back into a bun. I looked old but young. I looked as if I’d come back from the past. _

_ “What?” I questioned myself, she smiled and took a step closer. I took a step back, wary of this person, of me. _

_ “C’mon Phoenix… you do know it’s common for the victims in your kind of situation to feel responsible…” She trailed off, still smiling like an artificial person. I squinted, trying to make sense of her words. “What situation?” I asked, feeling my nerves rise. _

_ She paused for a second and looked deep into my eyes, her once innocent smile turning nearly sinister. _

_ “The accident”. _

~~~

My body shot up and was immediately met with multiple pairs of hands trying to hold me down, I felt frantic, I felt restrained, I felt scared. I cried out into the lab as I was held down onto the table, I looked around at the many surgeons surrounding me, along with the guard that held me still until I was strapped down using metal bars.

“0921…” A voice, who I recognized as Zel, called out over the panicked surgeons. I looked around for where he was, feeling my blood course hot through my veins. “Get me out!!” I cried, begging for some type of help. 

“This is for the best, Soldier…” He called out once more, ignoring my pleads, my eyes darted around the room, finally landing on the piles of bloody gauze. My cries stopped immediately, I looked back at the surgeons surrounding me, then at their hands, each one of them held scalpels. Except for one, my tears welled as I saw the saw being held just above my knee, ready to start cutting.

“Frostbite, it’s a nasty thing,” My Commander said, almost in a sing-song tone. I shook my head, lip quivering in terror as I saw my foot completely black. Darker than ink. I knew what they were doing, and I knew it would hurt. Worst of all I knew Zel would enjoy it.

Just as I opened my mouth to protest a mask was shoved over my lips and nose, I cried out and struggled to get my face out of the Doctor's grasp. I couldn't let them do this, I couldn't…. I couldn't…. I……


End file.
